[Season 9 Episode 13]
Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer Screenplay by: Steven Rosenhaus Transcribed by: PHDB and Sebastiano
Further revisions and extended DVD content added (in blue) by Darcy Partridge.
Chandler: Hey!
Ross: Yeah! Yeah! Okay! Sure! Look! Can we... can we talk about what happened here last night?
Chandler: Sure! Just give me a second to get all huffy and weird like you! Do you believe that whoever did something over here last night did what they did or didn't do? I mean, come on!
Ross: Oh, okay, you-you really, you really don't know what I am talking about?
Chandler: No!
Ross: Okay. Last night after the party I saw Rachel kissing that jerk from her office, out on your balcony.
Chandler: Our balcony? Seriously? That's so funny because I told Monica we should put lights on our balcony. And she said "No, no. It's too cold, nobody will go out there." And I said "Maybe if we put some light out there they will."
Ross: Right. That's what I came over to talk about. Um, I saw Rachel kissing some guy on your balcony, EVEN THOUGH THERE WERE NO LIGHTS !
Chandler: So are you gonna talk to her?
Ross: Why? Why should I? I mean, if she wants to move on, that's fine!
Chandler: You know when "that's fine" sounds true? When someone yells it and spits.
Ross: No, I'm serious. I mean, she wants to date people? Fine! I don't care, but at least she could have told me. You know I-I've been putting my life on hold and just concentrating on Emma. But if she wants to go out there kissing guys she barely knows, well, then so will I! (Chandler gives him a look.) Very funny! Ross is gay! Ha ha!
Chandler: No, no, no. Good! So you're moving on. Do you have any idea where you're moving on to?
Ross: I don't know. I've got plenty of opportunities. I mean, just-just now, just now there was some women at the coffee house -- smiled at me. And then the other day on the subway a woman "accidentally" sat on my hand.
Chandler: Dude. Don't rub my face in your crazy single life!
Ross: Well, and how about this? There is an anthropologist at school who totally came on to me during the inter-departmental potluck dinner.
Chandler: Why did I get married?!
Joey: Hey, uh, let me ask you guys something. I'm having new headshots taken tomorrow, right? And the photographer said that she thinks I should have my eyebrows waxed. Is that weird for a guy?
Phoebe: Well, it depends.
Joey: On?
Phoebe: On how far along he is in the sex change process!
Monica: No, I totally disagree. No. I-I think it's fine for a guy to do something like that. Especially an actor. I mean, not that you need to, y-your eyebrows are...
Joey: Ok! Stop it, you guys! Stop staring! You're freaking me out!
Phoebe: Wow, your knuckles are kinda hairy, too.
Joey: Oh, man! Now I have to get those done, too?!
Phoebe: Wow! Talk about high maintenance.
Joey: Hey, hey! You dye your hair!
Phoebe: I'm a woman!
Joey: Arghhh! Double standards!
(Joey walks away.)
Phoebe: Oh, before I forget. Are you coming to Mike's piano bar tonight?
Monica: Only if I don't have to get up and sing.
Phoebe: But everybody sings. It's so much fun! Last time this adorable old man got up there, forgot all of the words, flipped out, and everyone booed him off the stage. It was so funny!
Monica: I'm just... I'm not good at singing.
Phoebe: Oh! What's the matter? Are you scared? Huh? You're afraid I'm a better singer? You're afraid I'm gonna beat you at singing?
Monica: Nope. Nope. It's-it's not working on me. Wow! I must be growing up!
Phoebe: Okay, fine! Just... please come and support Mike. You don't have to sing.
Monica: Alright, so I don't have to sing and I can just sit there and pass judgments on others?
Phoebe: While drinking.
Monica: Ha, I'm there!
Rachel: (Entering) Hi, you guys! Listen, I really need your help. I think I did something really stupid.
Phoebe: Well, yes, Rachel, but you got something so beautiful out of it.
Rachel: No, not that. I kissed Gavin last night.
Phoebe: Oh, my God.
Monica: You kissed him?
Rachel: Yeah. It was after the party. We were on the balcony and...
Monica: Wait-wait-wait. I was at home the whole time. How did I miss that?
Phoebe: Well, it was the end of the party. You were probably ironing wrapping paper.
Monica: Oh, yeah. So h-how did you end up kissing?
Rachel: Well, were all alone and he was being really nice to me and, oh, and he gave me this scarf.
Monica: I thought you hated him!
Rachel: Well, you know, Honey, there is a thin line between love and hate, and, uh, it turns out that line is a scarf.
Monica: So, are-are you thinking of starting up something with this guy?
Rachel: I don't know. It's so complicated. I work with this guy, you know. I have the baby. And I have Ross. And I just... I don't know what to do! And I have to be at the office and see Gavin in ten minutes.
Monica: Wow. It sounds like you need to think about what you want and talk to Gavin. And you definitely should talk to Ross.
Rachel: Or... I could call in sick and not deal with it at all.
Phoebe: Wow! Five months maternity leave, you're back for four days, kiss a co-worker, and call in sick. They are lucky to have you!
Joey: Hi.
Salon girl: Hi.
Joey: I, uh, I'm here for my eyebrow appointment.
Salon girl: Name?
Joey: Chandler Bing.
Salon girl: Okay, very good. Have a seat right over here, Mr. Bing, and Sonya will be right with you.
Joey: Okay, thanks.
(Joey touches the hot wax. While trying to deal with it, he gets it all over his hands. He picks up tissues, gets more and more stuck to his hands. Meanwhile, the technician comes out and watches with amusement. Joey notices her.).
Joey: I, uh, I touched the stuff!
Sonya: I'll take care of it.
Joey: Thanks. So, do you, uh, do you get a lot of guys in here?
Sonya: Oh, absolutely.
Joey: Oh, good!
Sonya: Yeah, are you looking to meet somebody?
Joey: (Upset) Alright, let's just do this!
Sonya: Okay, uh, we'll get to the wax in a minute. First, I want to tweeze some of the strays, okay? Now, this may sting just a little bit.
Joey: Please, I have an extremely high threshold... Holy Mother Of God! Oh, my face! My face! Oh! Ah, I'm all right! I'm all right! I'm all right! Just a, uh, a bit of shock, is all. But, uh, I'll be fine. You can go again. I'm okay.
Joey: Damn it! Woman! Owwwwwwwwww...
(Joey struggles, his hand goes into the wax again. He proceeds to make a mess.
Ross: Hey.
Chandler: Hey, it's the most eligible man in New York. How's the moving on going?
Ross: Not well. I went on the subway again and someone did sit on my hand but that person was neither female nor wearing pants.
Chandler: Well, maybe you're going about this the wrong way. You know, I mean, think about it. Single white male, divorced three times, two illegitimate children. The personal ad writes itself.
Ross: Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, do-- so do you think you'll ever work again?
Chandler: What are you doing? You know I can only dish it out!
Ross: I can't believe Rachel just moved on and-and didn't say anything to me.
Chandler: Look, maybe she didn't move on. You know, maybe that kiss was just an impulsive, one-time, birthday thing.
Ross: No, no. About a month ago, she gave her number to some guy in a bar.
Chandler: Did she go out with him?
Ross: No. When he called, I-I threw the message away.
Chandler: Ah! The high road.
Ross: You know what? Enough! Enough talking! I have to get moving! Hey, check out those two blondes over there! Hey, come with me.
Chandler: Are you trying to get everybody divorced?
Ross: Come on. You don't have to do anything. It will just be easier if it is the two of us. Like college. Huh? Remember? First, you, uh, you break the ice with some kind of joke so that they know you're the funny one and then I swoop in with some interesting conversation, so they'll see that I'm the brilliant, brooding, sexy one.
Chandler: I thought I got to make the jokes.
Ross: Don't you have to be at work?
Chandler: Oh, come on! (They approach the women) Uh, hello! Hi. Uh, my name is Chandler. Uh, this is my friend, Ross, right here. (Ross says, "Hi.") And, uh, we were wondering, uh, you know, if you're up for it: We only need six more people for a human pyramid. Swoop! Swoop!
Ross: Uh, so, umm... Oh, hey! I noticed you were reading the paper. Another flood in Europe, huh? Here's a question: "Would you... would you rather drown or be burned alive?"
Blonde girl: I'm sorry, we're just leaving
Chandler: Okay. We still got it!
Rachel: Who is it?
Gavin: Gavin! I brought you some soup.
Rachel: Why?
Gavin: Uh, I-I heard you were sick.
Rachel: Oh! Right! Yeah! Hold on, let me just clean up in here a little bit!
(Rachel grabs tissues, throws them all over, and wraps herself in a blanket, and opens the door.)
Rachel: (In a sick voice) Hello, Gavin.
Gavin: I missed you at work today. How are you feeling?
Rachel: I'm not gonna lie to ya. I'm pretty sick.
Gavin: Oh! Good! Because I was having a totally paranoid moment where I thought you called in sick to avoid me.
Rachel: Oh, no, no, no, no. (Fakes a cough.)
Gavin: So, I had fun last night.
Rachel: So did I.
Gavin: Exactly how contagious is this thing you have? I mean, is it a cold for standing on the balcony. Or did a monkey bite you?
Rachel: It's just a cold
Gavin: Do you have fever? Let me see.
Rachel: Hmm. Hm. (Notices that Gavin is looking over her shoulder.) What? What is it? What's the matter?
Gavin: Um, what's Ross doing to you on that picture?
Rachel: Oh, he's dusting me with a fossil brush. He thought it would be funny.
Gavin: Right. Right. Ross. So what's the deal with you guys? I don't want to get in the middle of anything.
Rachel: Oh, you're not, you're not. You're not getting in the middle of anything. Don't worry about Ross, really, really.(She hears a key in the lock) Oh! Hide! That's Ross! Hide! Hide! Hide!
Gavin: Yeah? But you said not to worry about...
Rachel: I lied! And I'm not sick! Just stay behind the curtain!
Molly: Hi!
Rachel: Oh, Molly! You're not Ross.
Molly: No. I'm here to take Emma to your mother's, remember?
Rachel: Right, yes, yes.
Molly: Don't panic.
Rachel: What?
Molly: There is a man behind your curtain. I have Mace in my purse.
Rachel: No! That's okay! That's okay! That's okay! No, no, no. No, no! This is my business associate Gavin. He's just being silly. Gavin come out from behind that curtain, you silly.
Gavin: Hi! Gavin. Pleased to meet you. It was my idea to stand there.
Molly: Oh. Hello. I'll, uh, I'll just go and get Emma.
Rachel: Okay.
Gavin: So, um, why did I have to hide?
Rachel: I thought it was Ross.
Gavin: So, what if it was? I thought there was nothing going on between you two.
Rachel: There isn't. There totally isn't.
Gavin: You hear keys in the hall and you jump like a young bronco coming out of a chute for the first time. (Rachel looks at him quizzically.) I used to be a rodeo clown.
Rachel: Uh, alright, look. Gavin, I-I guess I felt guilty that you were here. Which I shouldn't. You know, Ross and I are not in any relationship but he is the father of my child. And, you know, we-we do live together. And plus there's just so much history, you know? It's just... I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm just all over the place.
Gavin: It's okay. Now, I know it's probably not my place, but can I give you a piece of advice?
Rachel: Yes!
Gavin: I think you should talk to Ross about all this.
Rachel: People keep saying that. Oh, I'm sorry, Gavin.
Gavin: Don't be. It's just bad timing.
Rachel: Mmm. So, seriously, rodeo clown?
Gavin: One of the best, ma'am. One of the best.
Phoebe: "No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions of the world!"
(Mike kisses Phoebe)
Mike: Oh, she's my girlfriend. That's not just how we do it here. Uh, alright, I gotta take a little break and when we come back we've got Kenneth singing "I touch myself". I'm not here to judge.
Phoebe: (Arriving at Monica's table) He-he. Oh, you have got to sing.
Monica: No! I told you I can't.
Phoebe: But you would have so much fun! And you have a really nice voice.
Monica: What have you heard me sing?
Phoebe: All the time, when you're cooking.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Yeah, you're always singing, "Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy."
Monica: Yeah, I do rock that one.
Phoebe: Okay, so isn't there just a little part of you that wants to get up there?
Monica: Well, I.... Just a little. But it, God, it's so scary! I don't even know what I would sing.
Mike: Well, I've got a book around...
Monica: "Delta Dawn."
Ross: Hi! I, uh, I couldn't help but notice, but that's-that's an unusual necklace.
Woman: You already hit on me an hour ago.
Ross: Right. So that's a firm no. (Crosses to Chandler:) I don't believe this. I just keep striking out!
Chandler: I don't get it either. I mean, you're obviously desperate. You're asking women how they want to be killed.
Ross: Well, this is great. Rachel's gonna keep kissing guys until she finds the one she wants and I'm-I'm gonna die alone.
Chandler: By drowning or...?
(Two woman enter the coffee house, talking.) Michelle: Why would he break up with me?
Her friend: Oh, I don't know sweetie.
Michelle: All I ever wanted was just love him and have him love me back. I mean, am I so unlovable?
Chandler: (Disparaging:) Wow.
Ross: (Enthusiatic): I know! (he stands)
Mike: All right! That was Kenneth with his much-too-literal rendition of, "I touch myself". Coming up next, we've got Monica singing, "Delta Dawn".
Monica: Oh, wait, wait! I can't sing in front of all these people.
Phoebe: Well, just pretend they're not even here! It's okay, Monica! Once that spotlight hits you, it's so bright, you won't see anyone anyway.
Monica: Hi! I'm Monica and I'm gonna be singing, "Delta Dawn". (Applause. Piano intro begins.) "Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on? Could it be a faded rose from days gone by? And did I hear you say..."
Phoebe: (To Mike) Can you totally see through her shirt ?
Monica: (In background) "...he was a-meetin' you here today..."
Mike: Like an x-Ray. Bad day not to wear a bra.
Monica: "...to take you to that mansion in the sky-y?" "She's 41 and her daddy still calls her baby."
Chandler: I'm calling about the advertising job. Yes, I realize it would be entry level. Oh, so would I actually have to wear the chicken suit?
Joey: (Enters, with a magazine covering his face. The cover is a headshot of one of the Judd sisters.) Hey! I need your help.
Chandler: Wow, it seems serious. What seems to be the problem, Ashley Judd?
Joey: Okay, look. I'm getting new headshots taken, all right? So I went to get my eyebrows shaped.
Chandler: I'm sorry, a moment to make fun of that, please!
Joey: I may be a sissy, but I'll still pound you into the ground. Alright, look, it hurt so bad, I could only let her do one eyebrow and now they don't match! (Drops the magazine and reveals his eye brows.)
Chandler: It's like a baby caterpillar chasing its mama!
Joey: Alright, look. You got to help me out, okay? Look, I have a Magic Marker. I want you to fill in the skinny one so I don't look stupid for my pictures.
Chandler: Okay, first of all, this is green!
Joey: Ugh! Well, what the hell am I supposed to do!
Chandler: Alright. I will help you out, but you have to promise me you will not tell anyone what I am about to tell you.
Joey: What? What?
Chandler: Okay. You know how most kids get their allowance from mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage? Well, I earned mine by plucking the eyebrows of my father and his "business partners."
Joey: (Laughing) Oh, my God!
Chandler: Yeah, well, I guess you don't need my help Victor-Victoria!
Joey: Okay, alright. No, no, no, no. I do, I do, I do. I need your help. But, Chandler, I don't know if I can take anymore plucking. It hurt so bad!
Chandler: Oh, not with my combination of ice cubes, aloe vera, and my gentle self-loathing touch.
Monica: "Take you to that mansion in the sky-y". (The spotlight goes out, Monica puts down the mic. The crowd is disappointed.) I'm sorry, the song's over! (Crosses to Phoebe and Mike.) Did you see me up there?
Phoebe: Every little bit of you.
Monica: I-I can't believe I did it! I can't believe I sang in front of people and they liked me! Hey, did you hear that one guy shouting, "Look at those tips"! I mean, did I really help you get a lot of tips?
Mike: Sure.
Phoebe: Okay, Mon, not that you didn't sound good...
Monica: Good? Didn't you hear them? I was great! Oh, thank you so much for making me do this. That is the best gift ever.
Mike: (Aside, to Phoebe) Also a good gift: Underwear.
Michelle: Thank you so much for letting me do this. Public bathrooms freak me out, I can't even pee, let alone do anything else.
Ross: But what's great is that you don't mind talking about it.
Michelle: It's so amazing that I met you the same day that Eric broke up with me. Because it's like you lose a boyfriend, you get a boyfriend.
Ross: (Uncomfortable) Uh-huh!
Michelle: No, no, don't worry. This is not some rebound thing. I am totally over Eric.
Ross: Phew! (She heads off to the bathroom.) (To himself:) Good choice, Ross.
Rachel: (Entering the apartment) Oh, hey! Hi! There you are. I've been looking for you everywhere!
Ross: Oh? Yeah, hello. Well, here-here I am.
Rachel: Hey, listen. My mom is not bringing the baby back until nine o'clock. So I was hoping you and I could have a chance to kind of t... (the sound of a toilet flushing interrupts her.) Somebody here?
Ross: Oh, yeah, yeah. That's Michelle.
Rachel: Who?
Ross: Oh, just this woman I've been seeing.
Rachel: You've being seeing someone?
Ross: Yeah, didn't I mention that? Yeah, uh, yeah! Uh, I mean, we haven't being going out too long, but, uh, really there's this amazing connection between us. Um, I-I-I mean, in fact just before you came in, she called me her boyfriend. I thought it was a little too soon, but also, you know, it felt kinda nice.
Michelle: (Re-entering) What are you taking amoxicillin for?
Ross: How great is this? You-you're already comfortable enough to look through my stuff. Oh, I'm sorry, Michelle, that's my roommate, Rachel.
Rachel: Hi. And I am also Emma's mother.
Michelle: Uh, who is Emma?
Ross: Oh, I-I told you about my daughter.
Michelle: This is your daughter? (To Rachel:) I can be your new mommy!
Chandler: Aaand done!
Joey: Oh, my God! I didn't feel a thing! Hey, are you still looking for a job because you can tweeze circles around that sadistic bitch at the salon!
Chandler: Thanks. You wanna see what it looks like?
Joey: Yeah, yeah. Hey, they totally match! They look great! They look great! (To himself in the mirror:) How you doin'!
Chandler: Yeah, yeah! I think it looks pretty good. I was a little bit worried that I was, uh, uncovering a birthmark right about there. But it turned out to be a little piece of chocolate.
Joey: Well, hey, Chandler. Thank you so much.
Chandler: No problem.
Joey: Listen, uh, that's a pretty girly hour we just spent. We should probably do something manly to make up for it.
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: (Thinks a moment.) Curl my eyelashes!
Chandler: Yeah!
Monica: Okay, for my next song I think I'll sing something a little more upbeat. Alright, um.... Oh, how about the Pointer Sisters, "I am so excited". And make it bouncy!
Phoebe: Oh, you can probably take care of that on your end.
Chandler: I'm sorry I am late. You'll understand when you'll see Joey.
Monica: Honey, Honey, you're just in time, I'm about to sing another song!
Chandler: Really? In front of all these people?
Monica: And they love me!
Chandler: Oh, my God!
Phoebe: Yeah. She gives the people what they want.
Monica: All right, watch!
Monica: "Tonight, tonight, we're gonna make it happen. Tonight we'll put all other things aside. Give in this time and show me some affection..."
Chandler: Are those my wife's nipples?
Phoebe: Ah! Isn't that funny? I didn't see that before. I wouldn't have let her go up again.
Chandler: I've gotta stop this.
(Chandler goes up to Monica, they talk privately, back and forth. Monica steps forward to the mic again. Everyone cheers. She looks down at her shirt and realizes the truth.)
Monica: Ah, who cares, they still love me! Hi! "I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it..."
Chandler: You, touching yourself! Out!
Rachel: Wow! She does that a lot.
Michelle: Ross, you didn't tell me you are a doctor, yet!
Rachel: Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute! You haven't even told her you were a doctor, yet? How long have you known her? Like an hour?
Michelle: Actually, about an hour and a half.
Ross: I-I told you it wasn't long, but, uh, there is an amazing connection between us.
Michelle: You feel that too? Oh, I thought that was just me!
Ross: Are you kidding?
Michelle: Uh, hey, do you want to go away this weekend?
Ross: We'll see.
Rachel: Okay, Ross, what's going on here? Are we just bringing strange women back to the apartment now?
Ross: I don't know, are we just kissing guys on balconies?
Rachel: Wh... How do you know about that?
Ross: Through the magic of sight! I was here, putting our child to sleep...
Michelle: Emma.
Ross: ...when I happened to look through the window and see you kissing a guy you've known for what, a week?
Rachel: Oh, God, is that what this is all about? Did you bring her up here to get back at me?
Michelle: No, actually, see, I had to pee. 'Cause I can't use public bathrooms because of the doody parasites.
Ross: Okay, Michelle, it's time to go.
Michelle: Well, call me!
Ross: Okay.
Michelle: No, wait! You don't have my phone number!
Ross: Um, you know what? If it's meant to be, I'll guess it. Bye-bye. (He closes the door).
Rachel: Score!
Ross: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you not like her? Because I was hoping maybe we could come to one of your kissing parties on the balcony.
Rachel: Oh, God. You know, I can't believe you're making such a big deal about this. It was one kiss. One guy. One time!
Ross: Oh, really!
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Oh, really!
Rachel: Oh, yeah.
Ross: What about the guy from the bar?
Rachel: Wha... Who?
Ross: The guy you gave your number to.
Rachel: Well, how do you know about that?
Ross: Because he called here looking for you. So don't tell me this-this kissing this guy from work is a one time thing, okay? Because you've been out there in-in bars and on balconies for over a month now. And you didn't even have the courtesy to tell me.
Rachel: Why didn't I get that message?
Ross: What?
Rachel: From the guy in the bar. Why didn't I get that message?
Ross: Because I folded it up and put in my pants pocket. Do you, do you not look there?
Rachel: Ross?
Ross: I never gave it to you.
Rachel: Why?
Ross: I don't know.
Rachel: Oh, God. You know what? Who you think you are? Who are you to decide what messages I should or should not get?
Ross: Who am I?
Rachel: Yes.
Ross: I am the guy who's taking care of our baby while you're out at bars meeting guys!
Rachel: Oh, my God, I cannot believe you. You know, I actually came in here hoping to have a mature conversation with you about us! But I can't do that with someone who-who hides my messages and brings crazy women back to my apartment!
Ross: Hey, none of the sane ones wanted to come back with me! That's-that's... it's not the point, okay? The point is you-you are the one who moved on and didn't tell anyone!
Rachel: Oh, God. Ross, this is just so messed up! What's wrong with us? You know when people hear about our situation they always ask, "What, you live together but you're not a couple? And yet you have a baby? Isn't that weird?" And I say, "No. You know what, it's not, because it works for us!" But you know what? This doesn't work. In fact, this is the-the opposite of working!
Ross: Uh, clearly.
Rachel: And, you know, we said that we would, we would live together as long as this makes sense. And maybe, this, you know, just doesn't make sense anymore.
Ross: Yeah, maybe not. So, what do you wanna do?
Joey: Hey!?
Rachel: Hi. Can Emma and I live here for a while?
Joey: God. Uh, of course.
Rachel: Thank you. (They hug. She sighs.) Your eyebrows look weird.